trying to call the doctors

 

ring ring

ring ring

 

thank you for calling [insert your local gp here]

hopefully you’re not idiotic to attend 

an appointment if you have symptoms

associated with coronavirus.

 

please listen to the telephone options 

as they are not clear at all and we do not like

people calling the wrong service.

 

please select one of the following options:

 

to be ignored for twenty minutes in an attempt to get

urgent on-the-day care, 

please press 1.

 

to be ignored for hours while you try and book an appointment, 

only to find out they do not have any available 

until three weeks from now, 

please press 2.

 

to cancel an appointment, though it is unlikely you 

will want to do that as we make it impossible to get one in the first place,

please press 3.

 

for prescription queries, that will never be answered 

quickly, easily or efficiently, 

please press 4.

 

for test results that we should call you to tell you they’re available

not to mention what they’re also about,

please press 5.

 

for things no one ever seems to need,

please press 6 or 7.

 

otherwise, please hold for twenty minutes

to be directed to reception.

 

* presses button *

 

* listens to seemingly never-ending 

hold music for fifteen to thirty minutes

that is intentionally designed to drive 

you so insane that you hang up *

 

“hello, welcome to [insert your local gp here],

how may i not help you as quickly as imaginable 

even though you just spent about thirty minutes 

waiting for a three-minute conversation?”

 

“hello, i would like to book an appointment.”

 

“i’m sorry, despite only being open for about thirty minutes,

we are already fully booked from now until the end of forever.

and even if i did have one for you, i’m afraid it would be likely 

that the appointment would have been cancelled. 

please try ringing at an even earlier time tomorrow,

goodbye.”

 

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.